apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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