So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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