this beer tastes like vomit already
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Farmville is her only friend.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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