Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize