he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
