The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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