you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
