His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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