i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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