I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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