Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
