I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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