So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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