ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
