At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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