my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
