you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
