two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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