I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize