Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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