I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The air was thick with penises
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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