i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
