I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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