I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
