life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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