I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
