I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
