My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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