what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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