drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
