I wish I could punch you in the face.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Randomize
