My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
