i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
