I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
