I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
