i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
