I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
my liver is dry heaving
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
