at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
