What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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