she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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