all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
