Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
