I think my vagina is haunted
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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