worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
