I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
