Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
do nipples grow back?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
