you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
