I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
ttyl tear gas
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
