Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
