i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
