did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
