I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
