I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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