I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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