I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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