I can text with my tongue
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
