A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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