I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
