after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
