I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
