Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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