I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
