A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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