just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize