How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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