So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
