Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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