I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
