Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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