Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
