she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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