i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
