I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
