Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
